Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
