i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
