Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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