Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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