how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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