dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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