the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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