those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
