i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
