He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
