omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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