I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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