I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
