Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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