You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
