Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
foreskin is a definite game changer
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
