just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
