I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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