wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
