A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
