yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
