goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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