your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
