Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
