Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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