You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
