So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
