So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
