Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
