Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I did not marry a roomba.
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