Cold hands, warm shart.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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