the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
