this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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