we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
