If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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