My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
