Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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