Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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