Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
