Will you blow on my dice?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
