I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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