I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
