She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
