We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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