do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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