I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
