We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
