I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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