Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
