Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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