he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
