Your dad touched me again.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
