I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
