My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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